Happy Birthday to Me!

Here is a list of random thoughts

As I turn 39, I come face to face with my mortality, and the overwhelming fear of being 40.  It’s been a pretty decent ride so far, with a lot of ups and downs, but certainly more ups than downs.  Last year I had my whole life figured out.  I knew who I planned on looking at in my final moments before the eternal slumber.  I now feel as if I am traveling backwards. I come home every day to a mausoleum, and think about the family I once had within these walls, as I continue to chug along and get back to work, back to the grind of the next project or thing to keep my mind occupied, after all Idle hands are the devil’s playground.

I am thankful for a couple of things:

• The last remaining years with my parents

• The fact that I still have all my hair

• Being a homeowner

• Being in relatively good health (God knows I kill myself working out and watching what I eat).

The truth is that I don’t want to make any new memories with anyone.  People are fickle, and they only tend to remember what you didn’t do for them, instead of all the good things you did for them. I appreciate you all, but let’s just keep it superficial.  People are only meant to be in your life but for a moment.  They always leave. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I certainly don't want to be hurt again.

To quote Watchman: 

“Every day, the future looks a little bit darker. But the past... even the grimy parts of it... keep on getting brighter.”

I almost live exclusively in the past.  I only listen to old music, and watch old movies.  I am more than half way through my life and the best parts of it are over. I often wonder how many years I have left of being able to play sports, or walk into a room without being labeled the creepy old guy.  You become invisible as you age, and I’ve been invisible my whole life, so I can only wonder how quickly I will fade.

I end this journal by living in the past.  Back to 1990, when I turned 4 years old, and was graced by my favorite Ninja Turtle, Michelangelo.  

Brooklyn, New York 1990